ON HOW PERVERSION WAS NEVER ABOUT SEXUALITY BUT LOVE
I tend to be insufferable and insensitive when I am afraid of beautiful things. The prospect of sexual interaction was never of importance, not even when my mouth was drooling behind closed doors. As Anaïs Nin stated in her diaries, there are only two things which could forever excite me into being in love: the prospect of kisses and the prospect of imagination. There are two ways of playing, only a couple of roads to make me fall and break my skull open.
P e r v e r s i o n
behaviour that most people think is not normal or acceptable, especially when it is connected with sex; an example with this type of behaviour
the act of changing something that is good or right into something that is bad or wrong; the result of this
(source: Oxford Learner’s Dictionaries)
Considering casualty in sexual practices became the norm, the act of not loving stopped being an act of ’rebellion’. Sexuality which is intertwined with love has now become an act of perversion, but this specific narrative is much more complicated than what I just stated. The act of submission to a certain sexual practice is not what is viscerally of importance. Submitting to one’s needs in such a way changes the chemistry of the brain. It all leaks out of your ears until you are fully covered in a gloopy mess of want and need. The act of yearning was never a casualty, never an object of sexual desire only. If I remove every bit of physical attraction I am left with the crux of the affair: the need of devotion, one that becomes the high of human interaction. The perversion does not lay in the need of physical touch, but in the enjoyment of metaphysical connection which could turn one into a dog.
It is wrong and unacceptable to feel this much. It is inhumane to love someone and treat them as if God does not exist and if He does He lays in the mouth of the one I let break my spine in two. The first night I refused to sleep with a pillow between my legs, you took me in and washed my hair with the same careful hands you pulled it with. ‘I am not religious’ I said ‘but I think God is watching.’ But I didn’t mean this in any way other than ‘this must be divine intervention and I must be a dog licking its wounds, and God watches me and does nothing. But I refuse to think God would be so cruel, so you, you must be God for you care, for you are tender and forever quiet.’
